Getting Nowhere Fast

Former lovers and now middle aged business partners, Pam and Merv try to 'get with it' by opening a Cyber section in their Vodka and Veggie cafe.

Sitcom by Mervyn Stutter.

Episodes

SeriesEpisodeTitleFirst
Broadcast
RepeatedComments
20101128 (BBC7)

Ex-lovers turned cafe-bar owners Pam and Merv discuss love, life and a revamp.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From November 2001.

From 2001.

20101128 (BBC7)

Ex-lovers turned cafe-bar owners Pam and Merv discuss love, life and a revamp.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From November 2001.

From 2001.

20040421

By Mervyn Stutter.

3/4.

Pamela hoists the Union Flag to commemorate the demise of Thatcher, and a tidal wave of competitive capitalism engulfs the bistro. The CyberPass becomes a lean machine as Merv goes on a Course and creates an internal market. Dibden gets a Loyalty Card for Services to Drink, Chantal sells Free Range Adult Magazines, and even Neville takes to the street in a surge of private enterprise.

Starring Mervyn Stutter, Lill Roughley, John Challis Tracy-Ann Oberman and Michael Mears.

Written by Mervyn Stutter.

20040604

Episode 4/6.

If Isaac Newton had been a middle aged woman he would have discovered gravity much sooner. But would he have joined a gym? Fat is a feminist issue - and everybody else's when Pamela takes action.

Starring Mervyn Stutter, John Challis, Lill Roughley, Tracy-Ann Oberman, Chris Ettridge, Gyuri Sarossi and Geoffrey McGivern.

Written by Mervyn Stutter.

Afternoon

Morning

Evening

20040611

5/6. If reunions are a bad idea, why do we have them? Is it to check our success against the others or is it just the hope of exploring some unresolved nooky behind the bike sheds with Becky from 5B?

Starring Mervyn Stutter, John Challis, Lill Roughley, Tracy-Ann Oberman, Chris Ettridge, and Gyuri Sarossi.

Written by Mervyn Stutter.

Produced by Simon Nicholls.

Afternoon

Morning

Evening

20041027

Sitcom by Mervyn Stutter. Like many a Menopausal Flower Child before him, Merv discovers his Inner Cowboy. This plus a surprise gift from his uncle Lonesome Larry Pond has him dreaming of the open road again. But can you park a horse on double yellows?

Starring Mervyn Stutter, John Challis, Lill Roughley, Tracy-Ann Oberman, Chris Ettridge, Gyuri Sarossi and Geoffrey McGivern.

20041110

The peace and tranquillity of the CyberPass is suddenly shaken to the core as a huge emotional trauma engulfs them all -Neville is dumped by his girlfriend. Oh, hold the front page!

Starring Mervyn Stutter, John Challis, Lill Roughley, Tracy-Ann Oberman, Chris Ettridge, Gyuri Sarossi and Geoffrey McGivern.

Written by Mervyn Stutter.

Produced by Simon Nicholls.

20041117

4/6

If Isaac Newton had been a middle aged woman, he would have discovered gravity much sooner. But would he have joined a gym? Fat is a feminist issue, and everybody else's when Pamela takes action.

Starring Mervyn Stutter, John Challis, Lill Roughley, Tracy-Ann Oberman, Chris Ettridge, Gyuri Sarossi and Geoffrey McGivern.

Written by Mervyn Stutter

Then News

20041124

5/6

If reunions are a bad idea, why do we have them? Is it to check our success against the others, or is it just the hope of exploring some unresolved nooky behind the bike sheds with Becky from 5B?

Starring Mervyn Stutter, John Challis, Lill Roughley, Tracy-Ann Oberman, Chris Ettridge, and Gyuri Sarossi.

Written by Mervyn Stutter

Then News

20041201

Merv likes jeans. He's always liked jeans. He can't remember when he didn't like jeans. Status Quo wear jeans, Springsteen wears jeans, Dylan wears jeans - so why does Pam want to take him shopping? What else could he possibly need?

Starring Mervyn Stutter, John Challis, Lill Roughley, Tracy-Ann Oberman, Chris Ettridge, and Gyuri Sarossi.

0101Up The Cyber Pass2001112320030319
20070102 (BBC7)
20070103 (BBC7)
20070927 (BBC7)
20070928 (BBC7)
20090630 (BBC7)
20101126 (BBC7)
20120821 (BBC7)

Former lovers and now middle aged business partners, Pam and Merv try to 'get with it' by opening a Cyber section in their Vodka and Veggie cafe.

Sitcom by Mervyn Stutter.

Chantal tells all about her latest bit of plastic surgery and Merv tries to persuade Pam that love is more important than the money of her new, yet forever absent husband Dominic.

Oh and the computers get stolen too!

Ex-lovers turned cafe-bar owners Pam and Merv discuss love, life and a revamp. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From November 2001.

Ex-lovers turned cafe-bar owners Pam and Merv discuss love, life and a revamp. From 2001.

0101Up The Cyber Pass2001112320030319
20070102 (BBC7)
20070103 (BBC7)
20070927 (BBC7)
20070928 (BBC7)
20090630 (BBC7)
20101126 (BBC7)
20120821 (BBC7)
20150525 (BBC7)
20150526 (BBC7)
20170307 (BBC7)
20170311 (BBC7)

Former lovers and now middle aged business partners, Pam and Merv try to 'get with it' by opening a Cyber section in their Vodka and Veggie cafe.

Sitcom by Mervyn Stutter.Chantal tells all about her latest bit of plastic surgery and Merv tries to persuade Pam that love is more important than the money of her new, yet forever absent husband Dominic.

Oh and the computers get stolen too!

Ex-lovers turned cafe-bar owners Pam and Merv discuss love, life and a revamp. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From November 2001.

Ex-lovers turned cafe-bar owners Pam and Merv discuss love, life and a revamp. From 2001.

Ex-lovers turned cafe-bar owners Pam and Merv discuss love, life and a revamp.

0102

0102Friday Night Is Vinyl Night2001113020030326
20070109 (BBC7)
20070110 (BBC7)
20071004 (BBC7)
20071005 (BBC7)
20090707 (BBC7)
20101203 (BBC7)
20120828 (BBC7)
20150601 (BBC7)
20150602 (BBC7)
20170314 (BBC7)

The return of Pam's absent husband, Dominic, means that Merv faces the double dilemma of finding a new job and a new place to live.

The regulars in the vodka and veggie bar offer their advice, but as ever Merv has his own ideas on how to woo his ex and attract some new customers.

Pam's absent hubby returns, so Merv tries to woo his ex and find somewhere to live.

Pam's absent hubby returns, so Merv tries to woo his ex and find somewhere to live. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From November 2001.

0102Friday Night Is Vinyl Night2001113020030326
20070109 (BBC7)
20070110 (BBC7)
20071004 (BBC7)
20071005 (BBC7)
20090707 (BBC7)
20101203 (BBC7)
20120828 (BBC7)

The return of Pam's absent husband, Dominic, means that Merv faces the double dilemma of finding a new job and a new place to live.

The regulars in the vodka and veggie bar offer their advice, but as ever Merv has his own ideas on how to woo his ex and attract some new customers.

Pam's absent hubby returns, so Merv tries to woo his ex and find somewhere to live.

Pam's absent hubby returns, so Merv tries to woo his ex and find somewhere to live. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From November 2001.

0103

0103Love Bytes2001120720030409
20070116 (BBC7)
20070117 (BBC7)
20071011 (BBC7)
20071012 (BBC7)
20090714 (BBC7)
20101210 (BBC7)
20101212 (BBC7)
20101213 (BBC7)
20120904 (BBC7)

Pam discovers the joy of online dating with Duvet Derek from Luton, whilst Merv launches The Cyber Pass' very own Love Byte Night by advertising on RumpyPumpy dotcom.

"Love Byte Night at the Cyber Pass" is Mervyn's big idea to get punters in.

But will Pam learn to love the joy of texts?

Pam tries online dating and Merv offers a cafe cyber pass for 'Love Byte Night'.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From December 2001.

Pam tries online dating and Merv offers a cafe cyber pass for 'Love Byte Night'. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From December 2001.

0103Love Bytes2001120720030409
20070116 (BBC7)
20070117 (BBC7)
20071011 (BBC7)
20071012 (BBC7)
20090714 (BBC7)
20101210 (BBC7)
20101212 (BBC7)
20101213 (BBC7)
20120904 (BBC7)
20150608 (BBC7)
20150609 (BBC7)
20170321 (BBC7)

Pam discovers the joy of online dating with Duvet Derek from Luton, whilst Merv launches The Cyber Pass' very own Love Byte Night by advertising on RumpyPumpy dotcom.

"Love Byte Night at the Cyber Pass" is Mervyn's big idea to get punters in.

But will Pam learn to love the joy of texts?

Pam tries online dating and Merv offers a cafe cyber pass for 'Love Byte Night'.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From December 2001.

Pam tries online dating and Merv offers a cafe cyber pass for 'Love Byte Night'. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From December 2001.

0104

0104 LASTUp On The Roof2001121420030416
20070123 (BBC7)
20070124 (BBC7)
20071018 (BBC7)
20071019 (BBC7)
20090721 (BBC7)
20101217 (BBC7)
20120911 (BBC7)
20150615 (BBC7)
20150616 (BBC7)
20170328 (BBC7)

Dominic's cold-hearted decision to turn the vodka and veggie cafe into a rehab clinic leads to non-violent direct action from the Waterloo Sunset Pensioner Commune Heavy Metal Ensemble.

Merv gains strong support from an unlikely source when the cafe faces closure.

Merv gains strong support from an unlikely source when the cafe faces closure. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From December 2001.

0104 LASTUp On The Roof2001121420030416
20070123 (BBC7)
20070124 (BBC7)
20071018 (BBC7)
20071019 (BBC7)
20090721 (BBC7)
20101217 (BBC7)
20120911 (BBC7)

Dominic's cold-hearted decision to turn the vodka and veggie cafe into a rehab clinic leads to non-violent direct action from the Waterloo Sunset Pensioner Commune Heavy Metal Ensemble.

Merv gains strong support from an unlikely source when the cafe faces closure.

Merv gains strong support from an unlikely source when the cafe faces closure. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From December 2001.

0201

02012003041820070130 (BBC7)
20070131 (BBC7)
20071206 (BBC7)
20071207 (BBC7)
20090728 BT=2330 (BBC7)
20101231 (BBC7)
20121211 (BBC7)
20150706 (BBC7)
20150707 (BBC7)
20170620 (BBC7)

Back at the Cyber Pass cafe, Chantal's biological clock is ticking, so the hunt is on.

Back at the Cyber Pass cafe, Chantal's biological clock is ticking, so the hunt is on. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From March 2003.

Back at The Cyber Pass cafe, Chantal's biological is clock ticking - so the hunt is on. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From March 2003.

Stirring Merv's bad memories, Chantal's biological clock is ticking and the hunt is on.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From March 2003.

Chantal's biological clock is ticking.

She knows she must have a baby and she desperately needs to find a mate.

Pamela remembers that feeling only too well.

So does Merv and he wishes he didn't.

But for Chantal the hunt for a suitable piece of trouser is on!

02012003041820070130 (BBC7)
20070131 (BBC7)
20071206 (BBC7)
20071207 (BBC7)
20090728 BT=2330 (BBC7)
20101231 (BBC7)
20121211 (BBC7)

Back at The Cyber Pass cafe, Chantal's biological is clock ticking - so the hunt is on. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From March 2003.

Stirring Merv's bad memories, Chantal's biological clock is ticking and the hunt is on.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From March 2003.

Chantal's biological clock is ticking.

She knows she must have a baby and she desperately needs to find a mate.

Pamela remembers that feeling only too well.

So does Merv and he wishes he didn't.

But for Chantal the hunt for a suitable piece of trouser is on!

02022003042520070206 (BBC7)
20070207 (BBC7)
20071213 (BBC7)
20071214 (BBC7)
20090804 (BBC7)
20110107 (BBC7)
20121218 (BBC7)

Feeling old and penniless, 1960s flower child Merv decides to return to his garden roots. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From April 2003.

Feeling old and penniless, 1960s flower child Merv decides to return to his garden roots.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From April 2003.

Merv is becoming very aware that those he once described as 'old' will soon include himself.

Has he prepared for this? Has he ever really thought about it? No - he is still struggling with the idea of being a menopausal flower child.

So what does a penniless Child of the Sixties do as a pensioner? Go back to the garden of course.

Merv tries out the Commune again.

Merv is becoming very aware that he will soon be 'old'.

So what does a penniless Child of The Sixties do as a pensioner?

02022003042520070206 (BBC7)
20070207 (BBC7)
20071213 (BBC7)
20071214 (BBC7)
20090804 (BBC7)
20110107 (BBC7)
20121218 (BBC7)
20150713 (BBC7)
20150714 (BBC7)
20170627 (BBC7)

Feeling old and penniless, 1960s flower child Merv decides to return to his garden roots.

Feeling old and penniless, 1960s flower child Merv decides to return to his garden roots. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From April 2003.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From April 2003.

Merv is becoming very aware that those he once described as 'old' will soon include himself.

Has he prepared for this? Has he ever really thought about it? No - he is still struggling with the idea of being a menopausal flower child.

So what does a penniless Child of the Sixties do as a pensioner? Go back to the garden of course.

Merv tries out the Commune again.

Merv is becoming very aware that he will soon be 'old'.

So what does a penniless Child of The Sixties do as a pensioner?

02032003050220070213 (BBC7)
20070214 (BBC7)
20071220 (BBC7)
20071221 (BBC7)
20090825 (BBC7)
20110114 (BBC7)

Competitive capitalism engulfs the bistro as Merv creates an internal market.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From May 2003.

From 2003.

Pamela hoists the Union Flag to commemorate the demise of Thatcher, and a tidal wave of competitive capitalism engulfs the bistro.

The CyberPass becomes a lean machine as Merv goes on a Course and creates an internal market.

Dibden gets a Loyalty Card for Services to Drink, Chantal sells Free Range Adult Magazines, and even Neville takes to the street in a surge of private enterprise.

Pamela hoists the Union Flag to commemorate the demise of Thatcher and a tidal wave of capitalism engulfs the bistro.

02032003050220070213 (BBC7)
20070214 (BBC7)
20071220 (BBC7)
20071221 (BBC7)
20090825 (BBC7)
20110114 (BBC7)
20121225 (BBC7)
20150720 (BBC7)
20150721 (BBC7)
20170704 (BBC7)

Competitive capitalism engulfs the CyberPass Bistro as Merv creates an internal market.

Competitive capitalism engulfs the CyberPass Bistro as Merv creates an internal market. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From May 2003.

Competitive capitalism engulfs the bistro as Merv creates an internal market.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From May 2003.

From 2003.

Pamela hoists the Union Flag to commemorate the demise of Thatcher, and a tidal wave of competitive capitalism engulfs the bistro.

The CyberPass becomes a lean machine as Merv goes on a Course and creates an internal market.

Dibden gets a Loyalty Card for Services to Drink, Chantal sells Free Range Adult Magazines, and even Neville takes to the street in a surge of private enterprise.

Pamela hoists the Union Flag to commemorate the demise of Thatcher and a tidal wave of capitalism engulfs the bistro.

Competitive capitalism engulfs the bistro as Merv creates an internal market. From 2003.

Competitive capitalism engulfs the bistro as Merv creates an internal market. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From May 2003.

020420030509

02042003050920071227 (BBC7)
20150727 (BBC7)
20150728 (BBC7)
20170711 (BBC7)

Pamela has had enough of men, including Merv, so she joins a women's group.

Pamela has had enough of men, including Merv, so she joins a women's group. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From May 2003.

0204 LAST2003050920070220 (BBC7)
20070221 (BBC7)
20071227 (BBC7)
20071228 (BBC7)
20090901 (BBC7)
20110121 (BBC7)
20130108 (BBC7)

Pamela has had enough of men - including Merv - so she joins a women's group.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From May 2003.

From 2003.

In the 21st century the belated burning of bras hits the bistro as Pamela suddenly realises that all the men in her life have been hopeless, and decides to join the Pretoria Avenue Women's Group.

Merv disagrees - he is one of them.

Dilkes discovers murder most foul - a dead chicken.

Neville discovers Nigella Lawson and Pamela renounces the Oven and embraces the Coven.

Edith is happy just to get her kit off.

Pamela has had enough of men - including Merv - so she joins a women's group. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From May 2003.

0204 LAST2003050920070220 (BBC7)
20070221 (BBC7)
20071227 (BBC7)
20071228 (BBC7)
20090901 (BBC7)
20110121 (BBC7)

Pamela has had enough of men - including Merv - so she joins a women's group.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From May 2003.

From 2003.

In the 21st century the belated burning of bras hits the bistro as Pamela suddenly realises that all the men in her life have been hopeless, and decides to join the Pretoria Avenue Women's Group.

Merv disagrees - he is one of them.

Dilkes discovers murder most foul - a dead chicken.

Neville discovers Nigella Lawson and Pamela renounces the Oven and embraces the Coven.

Edith is happy just to get her kit off.

03012004051420041027
20090908 (BBC7)
20110211 (BBC7)
20130122 (BBC7)
20130123 (BBC7)
20151026 (BBC7)
20151027 (BBC7)
20170829 (BBC7)

An uncle's gift leaves menopausal flower child Merv yearning to discover his inner cowboy.

An uncle's gift leaves menopausal flower child Merv yearning to discover his inner cowboy. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From May 2004.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From May 2004.

Like many a Menopausal Flower Child before him, Merv discovers his Inner Cowboy.

This plus a surprise gift from his uncle Lonesome Larry Pond has him dreaming of the open road again.

But can you park a horse on double yellows?

03012004051420041027
20090908 (BBC7)
20110211 (BBC7)

An uncle's gift leaves menopausal flower child Merv yearning to discover his inner cowboy.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From May 2004.

Like many a Menopausal Flower Child before him, Merv discovers his Inner Cowboy.

This plus a surprise gift from his uncle Lonesome Larry Pond has him dreaming of the open road again.

But can you park a horse on double yellows?

03022004052120041103
20090915 (BBC7)
20110218 (BBC7)

When burglars visit the CyberPass bistro, Merv decides to stay up and take action.

There have been burglars at the CyberPass bistro.

Merv sits up alone to confront them? Who is it? What do they want? And what will he actually do when they come? Someone has got Merv by the Delias.

03022004052120041103
20090915 (BBC7)
20110218 (BBC7)
20130129 (BBC7)
20130130 (BBC7)
20151102 (BBC7)
20151103 (BBC7)
20170905 (BBC7)

When burglars visit the CyberPass bistro, Merv decides to stay up and take action.

When burglars visit the CyberPass bistro, Merv decides to stay up and take action. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From May 2004.

There have been burglars at the CyberPass bistro.

Merv sits up alone to confront them? Who is it? What do they want? And what will he actually do when they come? Someone has got Merv by the Delias.

03032004052820041110
20090922 (BBC7)
20110225 (BBC7)

The CyberPass cafe is shaken by Neville's shock news that his girlfriend has dumped him.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From May 2004.

The peace and tranquillity of the CyberPass is suddenly shaken to the core as a huge emotional trauma engulfs them all - Neville is dumped by his girlfriend.

Oh hold the front page!.

03032004052820041110
20090922 (BBC7)
20110225 (BBC7)
20130205 (BBC7)
20130206 (BBC7)
20151109 (BBC7)
20151110 (BBC7)
20170911 (BBC7)

The CyberPass cafe is shaken by Neville's shock news that his girlfriend has dumped him.

The CyberPass cafe is shaken by Neville's shock news that his girlfriend has dumped him. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From May 2004.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From May 2004.

The peace and tranquillity of the CyberPass is suddenly shaken to the core as a huge emotional trauma engulfs them all - Neville is dumped by his girlfriend.

Oh hold the front page!.

03042004060420041117
20090929 (BBC7)
20110304 (BBC7)

Fat is a feminist issue for Pam - and everyone else, when she declares war on gravity.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From May 2004.

When Pam declares war on gravity, fat is a feminist issue for her - and everyone else.

If Isaac Newton had been a middle aged woman he would have discovered gravity much sooner.

But would he have joined a gym? Fat is a feminist issue - and everybody else's when Pamela takes action.

03042004060420041117
20090929 (BBC7)
20110304 (BBC7)
20130212 (BBC7)
20130213 (BBC7)
20151116 (BBC7)
20151117 (BBC7)
20170918 (BBC7)

Fat is a feminist issue for Pam, and for everyone else when she declares war on gravity.

Fat is a feminist issue for Pam, and for everyone else when she declares war on gravity. Stars Mervyn Stutter. From May 2004.

Fat is a feminist issue for Pam - and everyone else, when she declares war on gravity.

Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From May 2004.

When Pam declares war on gravity, fat is a feminist issue for her - and everyone else.

If Isaac Newton had been a middle aged woman he would have discovered gravity much sooner.

But would he have joined a gym? Fat is a feminist issue - and everybody else's when Pamela takes action.

03052004061120041124
20091006 (BBC7)
20110311 (BBC7)

Reunions top the agenda at the CyberPass bistro - but are they such a good idea? Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From June 2004.

Reunions top the agenda at the CyberPass bistro - but are they such a good idea?

If reunions are a bad idea, why do we have them? Is it to check our success against the others, or is it just the hope of exploring some unresolved nooky behind the bike sheds with Becky from 5B?

03052004061120041124
20091006 (BBC7)
20110311 (BBC7)
20130219 (BBC7)
20130220 (BBC7)
20151123 (BBC7)
20151124 (BBC7)
20170925 (BBC7)

Reunions top the agenda at the CyberPass bistro, but are they such a good idea?

Reunions top the agenda at the CyberPass bistro, but are they such a good idea? Stars Mervyn Stutter. From June 2004.

Reunions top the agenda at the CyberPass bistro - but are they such a good idea? Stars Mervyn Stutter.

From June 2004.

If reunions are a bad idea, why do we have them? Is it to check our success against the others, or is it just the hope of exploring some unresolved nooky behind the bike sheds with Becky from 5B?

030620040618

0306 LAST2004061820041201
20091013 (BBC7)
20110318 (BBC7)

Merv has always worn jeans, so why does Pam want to take him shopping? Stars Mervyn Stutter and Lill Roughley.

From June 2004.

Merv has always worn jeans, so why does Pam want to take him shopping? From June 2004.

Merv likes jeans.

He's always liked jeans.

He can't remember when he didn't like jeans.

Status Quo wear jeans, Springsteen wears jeans, Dylan wears jeans - so why does Pam want to take him shopping? What else could he possibly need?

0306 LAST2004061820041201
20091013 (BBC7)
20110318 (BBC7)
20130226 (BBC7)
20130227 (BBC7)
20151130 (BBC7)
20151201 (BBC7)
20171002 (BBC7)

Stars Mervyn Stutter and Lill Roughley.

Merv likes jeans.

He's always liked jeans.

He can't remember when he didn't like jeans.

Status Quo wear jeans, Springsteen wears jeans, Dylan wears jeans - so why does Pam want to take him shopping? What else could he possibly need?

Merv has always worn jeans, so why does Pam want to take him shopping? From June 2004.

Merv has always worn jeans, so why does Pam want to take him shopping? Stars Mervyn Stutter and Lill Roughley. From June 2004.