Gossip From The Garden Pond

Episodes

EpisodeTitleFirst
Broadcast
RepeatedComments
01The Tadpole And The Dragonfly20140907
01The Tadpole And The Dragonfly20140907
01The Tadpole And The Dragonfly20140907

The Tadpole played by Julian Rhind Tutt and the Dragonfly played by Alison Steadman, reveal the truth about life in a garden pond, in the first of three very funny tales, written and introduced by Lynne Truss, with sound recordings by Chris Watson.

The jaunty Tadpole revels in his youth as he darts about the pond, generally avoiding his neighbours because most of them want to eat him! "When are you going to grow up?" asks the Dragonfly. This is far from easy as the tadpole is quick to point out, as he has to go through a whole traumatic body-changing metamorphosis. The only disadvantage, he reckons, of being young and immature of course, is that you have no hands, which makes things tricky when you want to wave at anyone or take a selfie, but it's a small price to pay for the freedom of youth reckons our happy-go-lucky fellow, until a strange dream signals a life-changing event. "One minute you're wiggling, wiggling. and the next you look absolutely daft waving your bottom around, coz there's nothing on the end of it"

The Dragonfly is lighter than air, quick, beautiful; all dazzling wings and observant eyes. She is also quite highly sexed and living life at a great rate knowing that she doesn't have much time. Having spent months and months living in the murk and mud of the garden pond as an ugly, aggressive nymph, her life was transformed when she felt impelled to climb up a stem and was transformed into an adult. She is dazzling; with her aerial acrobatics, fine wings and long slender limbs. But she knows she hasn't long to live and before she dies, she must feed and find a mate "I'm gorgeous, I'm ready... and I'm hot, hot, hot".

Producer Sarah Blunt.

01The Tadpole And The Dragonfly2014090720150825 (R4)

The Tadpole played by Julian Rhind Tutt and the Dragonfly played by Alison Steadman, reveal the truth about life in a garden pond, in the first of three very funny tales, written and introduced by Lynne Truss, with sound recordings by Chris Watson.

The jaunty Tadpole revels in his youth as he darts about the pond, generally avoiding his neighbours because most of them want to eat him! "When are you going to grow up?" asks the Dragonfly. This is far from easy as the tadpole is quick to point out, as he has to go through a whole traumatic body-changing metamorphosis. The only disadvantage, he reckons, of being young and immature of course, is that you have no hands, which makes things tricky when you want to wave at anyone or take a selfie, but it's a small price to pay for the freedom of youth reckons our happy-go-lucky fellow, until a strange dream signals a life-changing event. "One minute you're wiggling, wiggling. and the next you look absolutely daft waving your bottom around, coz there's nothing on the end of it"

The Dragonfly is lighter than air, quick, beautiful; all dazzling wings and observant eyes. She is also quite highly sexed and living life at a great rate knowing that she doesn't have much time. Having spent months and months living in the murk and mud of the garden pond as an ugly, aggressive nymph, her life was transformed when she felt impelled to climb up a stem and was transformed into an adult. She is dazzling; with her aerial acrobatics, fine wings and long slender limbs. But she knows she hasn't long to live and before she dies, she must feed and find a mate "I'm gorgeous, I'm ready... and I'm hot, hot, hot".

Producer Sarah Blunt.

02The Water Boatman And Great Diving Beetle20140914
02The Water Boatman And Great Diving Beetle20140914
02The Water Boatman And Great Diving Beetle20140914

The Water Boatman played by Sandi Toksvig and the Great Diving Beetle played by David Ryall, reveal the truth about life in a garden pond, in the second of three very funny tales, written and introduced by Lynne Truss, with sound recordings by Chris Watson and Tom Lawrence.

Messing about in water is what the Water Boatman loves to do most of all. Well actually the Water Boatman is a Boatwoman and in truth she is a Backswimmer not a Water Boatman, but she prefers to be called Water Boatman and being a decisive no-nonsense type, so be it! Her days are spent rowing around the pond and scooping up whatever tasty morsel takes her fancy and trying her hardest to ignore the 'singing' of her ardent admirer, Reg. Stridulation is the technical term for Reg's singing; moving one part of his body against another (a bit like crickets and grasshoppers) to create a courtship 'song'. His persistence finally pays off, but does he win her heart?

Meanwhile, the Great Diving Beetle soars up and down through the depths, spreading fear wherever he goes. With his coat of armour, fantastic mandibles for tearing prey to pieces and a highly unpleasant habit of ejecting toxic fumes at potential predators, he's a creature to avoid! He did have a mate once, but he ate her, and brothers and sisters too, but he ate them. So all alone, he has plenty of time to think and armed with his ballistic missiles he daydreams about being a film star; a hero with super powers, and a match for any creature... even Batman! One evening though, whilst flying round the neighbourhood, he comes across a shocking scene at a nearby pond, and drawing on his armoury of weapons, he defends the rights of his fellow beetles in a vicious battle.

02The Water Boatman And Great Diving Beetle2014091420150901 (R4)

The Water Boatman played by Sandi Toksvig and the Great Diving Beetle played by David Ryall, reveal the truth about life in a garden pond, in the second of three very funny tales, written and introduced by Lynne Truss, with sound recordings by Chris Watson and Tom Lawrence.

Messing about in water is what the Water Boatman loves to do most of all. Well actually the Water Boatman is a Boatwoman and in truth she is a Backswimmer not a Water Boatman, but she prefers to be called Water Boatman and being a decisive no-nonsense type, so be it! Her days are spent rowing around the pond and scooping up whatever tasty morsel takes her fancy and trying her hardest to ignore the 'singing' of her ardent admirer, Reg. Stridulation is the technical term for Reg's singing; moving one part of his body against another (a bit like crickets and grasshoppers) to create a courtship 'song'. His persistence finally pays off, but does he win her heart?

Meanwhile, the Great Diving Beetle soars up and down through the depths, spreading fear wherever he goes. With his coat of armour, fantastic mandibles for tearing prey to pieces and a highly unpleasant habit of ejecting toxic fumes at potential predators, he's a creature to avoid! He did have a mate once, but he ate her, and brothers and sisters too, but he ate them. So all alone, he has plenty of time to think and armed with his ballistic missiles he daydreams about being a film star; a hero with super powers, and a match for any creature... even Batman! One evening though, whilst flying round the neighbourhood, he comes across a shocking scene at a nearby pond, and drawing on his armoury of weapons, he defends the rights of his fellow beetles in a vicious battle.

03The Garden Spider And Great Pond Snail20140921

03The Garden Spider And Great Pond Snail2014092120150908 (R4)

The Garden Spider played by Amanda Root and the Great Pond Snail played by James Fleet, reveal the truth about life in a garden pond, in the last of three very funny tales, written and introduced by Lynne Truss, with sound recordings by Chris Watson and Tom Lawrence.

Hidden amongst the tall vegetation beside the pond the Garden Spider muses on her life. She suffers from arachnophobia. She note only dislikes, but fears the sight of herself; so much so that she only emerges under the cover of darkness to spin her web. She is not alone if finding her appearance quite hideous, she recalls a wasp who even as she wrapped him silk shuddered at the sight of her, rather than save his own life! Her musings are interrupted when she discovers another spider in her web; a visitor to the neighbourhood, a male, who instead of being frightened by her appearance finds her most attractive. Is her luck about to change?

The Great Pond Snail glides over the vegetation on his trail of slime, cleaning up as he goes. He's appalled when he sees evidence that another pond sail has not done the same. Great Pond Snails are excellent recyclers, even cleaning up their own waste matter. Our Snail takes great pleasure in this fact "But I'm not saying this makes us some sort of paragon. Just different". There's no getting away from it, he is self-righteous and judgmental but under the guise of political correctness. His only pleasure comes from slime. "My girlfriend used to say that my slime ropes were my best feature" he boasts. And on this subject, he has little time for the human race "All this modern talk of energy efficiency... and you can't even be bothered to learn how to make slime". And don't get him started on sex and gender roles!

Producer Sarah Blunt.

03 LASTThe Garden Spider And Great Pond Snail20140921

The Garden Spider played by Amanda Root and the Great Pond Snail played by James Fleet, reveal the truth about life in a garden pond, in the last of three very funny tales, written and introduced by Lynne Truss, with sound recordings by Chris Watson and Tom Lawrence.

Hidden amongst the tall vegetation beside the pond the Garden Spider muses on her life. She suffers from arachnophobia. She note only dislikes, but fears the sight of herself; so much so that she only emerges under the cover of darkness to spin her web. She is not alone if finding her appearance quite hideous, she recalls a wasp who even as she wrapped him silk shuddered at the sight of her, rather than save his own life! Her musings are interrupted when she discovers another spider in her web; a visitor to the neighbourhood, a male, who instead of being frightened by her appearance finds her most attractive. Is her luck about to change?

The Great Pond Snail glides over the vegetation on his trail of slime, cleaning up as he goes. He's appalled when he sees evidence that another pond sail has not done the same. Great Pond Snails are excellent recyclers, even cleaning up their own waste matter. Our Snail takes great pleasure in this fact "But I'm not saying this makes us some sort of paragon. Just different". There's no getting away from it, he is self-righteous and judgmental but under the guise of political correctness. His only pleasure comes from slime. "My girlfriend used to say that my slime ropes were my best feature" he boasts. And on this subject, he has little time for the human race "All this modern talk of energy efficiency... and you can't even be bothered to learn how to make slime". And don't get him started on sex and gender roles!

Producer Sarah Blunt.